I will begin with the possibility that your child is being over-stimulated. As I mentioned above our world has become extremely over-stimulating for our young ones. There are several things that contribute to this. Toys, television, and other sources of entertainment for children have become much more stimulating over the years with lots of sounds, colors, and interactive features. For infants it could be that they are put into a bouncy seat that vibrates, plays music, and bounces all at the same time! For toddlers it might be their favorite toy that lights up, sings songs, changes colors and asks too many questions. For preschool kids it's probably all the commercials they are exposed to every ten minutes during their show.
I am not to say that any of the above reasons are bad or wrong, they are simply ways that our children have become over-stimulated making it more difficult to wind down at the end of the day. For an adult, sitting down on the couch after a long day at work is often very relaxing and sometimes puts us to sleep, it can have the opposite effect on children though. Their minds are searching desperately to store all of the information they pick up in a given moment. Our minds are use to it and just become tired. A child's brain watches television that is constantly moving with colors and pictures that change in milliseconds, and on top of the visual stimulation they also hear voices that change just as quickly from one character to the next. This is all a lot to take in for a young child. I am speaking specifically for infants and toddlers whose brains are still being built. Is it possible that he isn't settling down at a decent hour because his mind is going a million miles an hour? Is he playing in a room full of interactive toys right before bedtime, possibly even a specific computerized toy that really gets his brain going. Once again, exhausting for an adult, exciting for a child. It's important to remember that it has the opposite effect on kids to be surrounded by too much going on as opposed to us adults.
My suggestion is that after dinner, it is time to relax and not burn off energy. This is based off of my personal experience and observation, that children fall asleep much quicker after reading books, talking about their day, and/or doing something like coloring. For infants it may be that a soothing massage after a bath helps transition them into a calmer state where sleep is easily drifted into. Also, this is more quality time with you. If the majority of the evening is spent with quality time together then it is less likely that they will want to fight bedtime when it arrives.
If you have ruled out the possibility that over-stimulation is why your child has difficulty with bedtime then it is time to explore the option that he is being put to bed too late, or even that the bedtime routine should start earlier. I always suggest that the bedtime routine starts immediately after dinner. Your child (if old enough) could help you clean up the dishes and that way you can help them start bedtime right away. If baths are too stimulating for them, then plan a different part of the day for it, but if you find it helps relax your child then go ahead and start with that. Even older children like to get massages after a bath, so if they enjoy it then that may be exactly what they need to help put them in the state of relaxation before bedtime. Try using a lotion with calming scents.
Following a bath and massage if you choose to do so, can be reading time, it may even put you to sleep! This is a great ritual that your child probably looks forward to all day. It may even be the only time your child gets one on one attention and quality time from you if you are a working parent. Many parents find that letting their child watch a night time show specifically designed for children to watch before bed is helpful. I will not argue against it, but is that how you want your child to spend his time before bed? I am fully convinced that both you and your child will benefit more from cuddling together with books before bed as they listen to your voice and are allowed to ask questions and possibly interact with it. Not that the TV shows for kids can't be interactive, but nothing replaces quality time with you. TV is just an easy way out when you are too exhausted. I truly hope that after reading this post you and your child will get more quality sleep and you wont be so exhausted that you need to use TV to distract your child for you.
After reading, getting pajamas on and brushing teeth, your child should be ready to drift. Depending on how you have always put your child to sleep depends on how your child will fall asleep at this point. If your child was taught to self soothe as an infant, then you should be able to leave them in their bed now and not hear from them until morning, right? If you have always rocked or nursed them to sleep then this is likely what happens now. Which brings us to the argument of self soothing versus parental soothing or dependence. Either way you choose to put your child to sleep, you shouldn't hear from them again until morning. This is often not the case though. It is completely natural for children to wake during the night, as they spend 50% of their cycles in REM where their brains are developing as they sleep. Adults only spend 20% in this state. When going in and out of this state, babies awaken and either fall right back to sleep through self soothing or cry out for you to put them back to sleep as you did at the beginning of the night.
Since your child's infancy, if you are like most parents, you have struggled with the "right" method to put your child to sleep and keep them asleep. The most common two methods are Dr. Sears "Attachment Parenting" and Dr. Ferbers "Ferber Method" often known as the "Cry It Out" method. These doctors are well known and are easy to find information on. Going to your local library or simply Googling them will bring tons of information at your feet. Dr. Sears believes that babies cries should always be responded to immediately and that co-sleeping and breast feeding on demand is the best thing for your child. The Ferber method teaches that children are to be taught by 6 months of age to self soothe themselves to sleep by crying it out. There are many debates about both of these methods.
It is argued that the attachment method keeps children from learning to sleep on their own, causing them to cry for you or need the breast to fall back to sleep when they are going through lighter sleep cycles. This can be extremely exhausting and almost always leads to co-sleeping since your baby will depend on you to fall back to sleep during the numerous times he awakens in the night. On the other hand, the Ferber method can lead to your child lacking trust in you if his cries are not responded to. The child simply learns that when put in their crib it is time to sleep, no exceptions.
I am not going to tell you which method is best. You are the only one to determine how your child sleeps best. If rocking him to sleep and laying him in his crib every night is what keeps him asleep longest, then that's what you should do. If letting him cry for a few minutes actually teaches him to self soothe and stay asleep through all his sleep cycles, then that is what's best for that child. What I am getting at is that consistency is the key. Whatever you and your baby are comfortable with is what needs to happen every night. Without consistency your child will wake much more frequently during the night and during naps for your comfort. However you choose to do your bedtime routine, keep it familiar, expected, and consistent.
Does this all sound too easy? The truth is that nothing I have told you is ground breaking news, it's just difficult for parents to take the time to develop consistent routines and say no when your child thinks he can escape it. Let's go over it all again. No television or over-stimulating activities after a healthy dinner. Use the time after dinner to relax, bathe, read, maybe color, and wind down. Be consistent with your routine, giving exceptions to your child will be a downward spiral of arguing with your child every night about what happens next and how to extend bedtime. Put your child to bed early enough for him to get at least 10 to 12 hours of sleep, otherwise they will become overtired and sleep will become hours of excuses, tears, and unnecessary battles. Following these simple guidelines will help your child feel comforted and secure with bedtime. Good luck, and maybe my next post will be battling nap times!
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