Discipline and Punishment

Disciplining a child and choosing the right form of punishment can be an easy or difficultdecision to make depending on your level of anger management. Why does this depend upon the caregiver or parent’s anger management skills? Well, have you ever hit your child? How did it make you feel? Were you in the calmest of states, happily bringing pain to your child? I think not.

The better you are at controlling your anger, the better you will be at disciplining your child. After all, one of the most important skills we need to teach our children is how to manage emotions and respond to frustrating situations with an appropriate attitude.

Let’s create an example; perhaps your toddler or preschooler bites another child that made him/her angry. Your initial emotions are embarrassment and anger that your child would do something that he/she knows is wrong. How should you handle it? A parent that believes spanking is effective will take their child to a private area (I hope) and punish them physically in hopes that the pain will scare them into submission and cause them to apologize. A parent who believes a child learns through the example set before them and uses a stern tone to make it very clear to the child that their behavior was unacceptable, will privately or publicly (depending on the nature of the child’s personality and how they best receive discipline) look their child in the eye and let them know how they feel about what happened and guide them to express themselves in a healthier way.

The most important thing to remember is that children learn by example. If they see adults or other children for that matter, respond to anger, frustration, or disappointment with yelling and physically causing pain on the person who they choose to lash out on, then the child will react to his/her emotions in the same fashion. Why? Because growing hearts and minds need guidance and patience as they become accustomed to all the emotions that arise throughout life.

It is overwhelming for a child to experience unpleasant emotions without an “out”. Most of the time the only response they feel can relieve some of the distress is to physically hit or bite something. Sometimes this can even include hurting themselves. Our job as the role models and caretakers are to show them healthier ways to release these distressful emotions.

We guide our children’s emotional responses in a healthy way by disciplining how they express themselves, never for expressing themselves. Let them know it’s all right to be angry when another child hurts their feelings or when they really don’t want to finish their dinner. We all have our own methods for dealing with our emotions; children do as well. Help your child find theirs. One thing that has been successful in my experiences is simply sitting with or holding the child until they calm down and then talking about it, this only works for older children though and they must understand that there are consequences for expressing themselves inappropriately, usually this entails time alone or losing something they love for a short period of time. For younger children, or toddlers, they need constant supervision for the most part and this makes it easier to guide them and react immediately, such as short timeouts. Take note that toddlers forget things quickly and need immediate intervention when they are frustrated. Also, it isn’t unusual for a child to cry even more when the discipline is enforced. Once again, do not make them feel bad for crying.

Just remember that when your child is “misbehaving” it’s because they need your guidance. Stay calm, reassure them that what they are feeling is normal, explain or show them the consequences of their actions (without inflicting pain), and explain or show them how they are to react to their emotions from now on. You will be raising an emotionally intelligent individual!

Breastfeeding vs. Formula

I apologize to any followers who have been waiting for this next post. I have been in a constant debate over how to properly address the issue of breastfeeding versus formula feeding. After speaking with many different mothers, reading many books, observing parent's reactions to the subject, and taking care of both breastfed and formula fed infants, I can now come to a more balanced perspective and hold a stronger opinion.

I want to begin by making it clear that I do not wish to upset any parent who has made the choice to feed their baby formula. Formula obviously has what it takes to keep an infant alive, growing, and developing. Scientists and health care professionals have been doing everything in their power to recreate breast milk to the very best of their ability. I do not doubt this. Unfortunately, everything that I have read and observed about breast milk and the effects it has on mother and child is absolutely incomparable to formula. Is this to say that a mother should feel horrible about her decision not to nurse? Well, I can not tell you what to feel. If you feel that you have made the wrong decision, then you probably have.

Click here to access the link that I have found to be the most convincing information regarding the benefits of breastfeeding. Rather than repeat everything the article stated, I would rather you read it for yourself. It's a short article, but full of great facts and statistics! One thing interesting about it is that it was difficult to find. It seems that everywhere I look; parenting magazines, the library, parenting websites, and Google, the most popular information to offer is support for mothers to let go of their "guilt" regarding their decision to use formula. I had to dig deep to find the actual differences between the two forms of milk. Why is this? Why is guilt addressed more frequently than benefits? Most importantly, why not offer alternatives? How about offering websites, articles, and books on how to overcome the early stages of breastfeeding? After all, cracked and infected nipples, sore breasts, endless feeding and pumping, and feeling constantly needed can get pretty old pretty fast. Instead I have found one article after another assuring woman that if they find it too difficult to breastfeed, then they should feel absolutely no guilt in feeding their baby formula.

From what I have gathered, some mothers can't produce milk and others are put on medications that can't be transferred to an infant through the milk. These are obviously unfortunate circumstances that can not be changed by the mother and have no reason to cause guilt, only dissapointment. Personally, if I had to make the decision between formula and a milk bank, a milk bank it would be. I need to know that my children will receive absolutely everything needed to be at their best. I understand that my children will still grow and develop if I feed them formula, but will they struggle with ear infections, allergies, upset stomachs, and a numerous amount of other things that manifest without proper nourishment? Personally, if I have the choice, then my answer is that I am not willing to find out; Are you?

I would find all of your opinions and ideas very helpful as I am still struggling to completely understand why any mother can make the choice not to give her child her best, even if it means pumping every three hours or seeking professional help from a nurse. Perhaps I have missed something crucial in what I have read and observed. Maybe this is the first time you have read the information in the article I posted above. It could be that you were mentally incapable of providing your child with breast milk. Whatever the reason is, I truly do want to understand why the children of this nation are being raised and developed on a food that is lacking. I can only hope it is ignorance and not selfishness. I can give you knowledge, but selfishness is something only you can conquer.

Please keep in mind that this blog is about raising the next generation to be the very best this world has seen. I can not do it alone. I need to understand the hearts and minds of the mothers of this world if I am going to make a difference. Please share any concerns, ideas, or beliefs you hold that can open my eyes to a more balanced view.

Establishing Healthy Sleep Patterns

We've talked about the importance of sleep and the effects of sleep deprivation. I would now like to help you make sure your child sleeps enough as soundly as possible for as long as he or she needs. This may sound impossible in todays day and age as children become more over-stimulated as time goes on, but with a few helpful guidelines I hope to set you on a new path of a happier, more rested child and a less fatigued and frustrated you.

I will begin with the possibility that your child is being over-stimulated. As I mentioned above our world has become extremely over-stimulating for our young ones. There are several things that contribute to this. Toys, television, and other sources of entertainment for children have become much more stimulating over the years with lots of sounds, colors, and interactive features. For infants it could be that they are put into a bouncy seat that vibrates, plays music, and bounces all at the same time! For toddlers it might be their favorite toy that lights up, sings songs, changes colors and asks too many questions. For preschool kids it's probably all the commercials they are exposed to every ten minutes during their show.

I am not to say that any of the above reasons are bad or wrong, they are simply ways that our children have become over-stimulated making it more difficult to wind down at the end of the day. For an adult, sitting down on the couch after a long day at work is often very relaxing and sometimes puts us to sleep, it can have the opposite effect on children though. Their minds are searching desperately to store all of the information they pick up in a given moment. Our minds are use to it and just become tired. A child's brain watches television that is constantly moving with colors and pictures that change in milliseconds, and on top of the visual stimulation they also hear voices that change just as quickly from one character to the next. This is all a lot to take in for a young child. I am speaking specifically for infants and toddlers whose brains are still being built. Is it possible that he isn't settling down at a decent hour because his mind is going a million miles an hour? Is he playing in a room full of interactive toys right before bedtime, possibly even a specific computerized toy that really gets his brain going. Once again, exhausting for an adult, exciting for a child. It's important to remember that it has the opposite effect on kids to be surrounded by too much going on as opposed to us adults.

My suggestion is that after dinner, it is time to relax and not burn off energy. This is based off of my personal experience and observation, that children fall asleep much quicker after reading books, talking about their day, and/or doing something like coloring. For infants it may be that a soothing massage after a bath helps transition them into a calmer state where sleep is easily drifted into. Also, this is more quality time with you. If the majority of the evening is spent with quality time together then it is less likely that they will want to fight bedtime when it arrives.

If you have ruled out the possibility that over-stimulation is why your child has difficulty with bedtime then it is time to explore the option that he is being put to bed too late, or even that the bedtime routine should start earlier. I always suggest that the bedtime routine starts immediately after dinner. Your child (if old enough) could help you clean up the dishes and that way you can help them start bedtime right away. If baths are too stimulating for them, then plan a different part of the day for it, but if you find it helps relax your child then go ahead and start with that. Even older children like to get massages after a bath, so if they enjoy it then that may be exactly what they need to help put them in the state of relaxation before bedtime. Try using a lotion with calming scents.

Following a bath and massage if you choose to do so, can be reading time, it may even put you to sleep! This is a great ritual that your child probably looks forward to all day. It may even be the only time your child gets one on one attention and quality time from you if you are a working parent. Many parents find that letting their child watch a night time show specifically designed for children to watch before bed is helpful. I will not argue against it, but is that how you want your child to spend his time before bed? I am fully convinced that both you and your child will benefit more from cuddling together with books before bed as they listen to your voice and are allowed to ask questions and possibly interact with it. Not that the TV shows for kids can't be interactive, but nothing replaces quality time with you. TV is just an easy way out when you are too exhausted. I truly hope that after reading this post you and your child will get more quality sleep and you wont be so exhausted that you need to use TV to distract your child for you.

After reading, getting pajamas on and brushing teeth, your child should be ready to drift. Depending on how you have always put your child to sleep depends on how your child will fall asleep at this point. If your child was taught to self soothe as an infant, then you should be able to leave them in their bed now and not hear from them until morning, right? If you have always rocked or nursed them to sleep then this is likely what happens now. Which brings us to the argument of self soothing versus parental soothing or dependence. Either way you choose to put your child to sleep, you shouldn't hear from them again until morning. This is often not the case though. It is completely natural for children to wake during the night, as they spend 50% of their cycles in REM where their brains are developing as they sleep. Adults only spend 20% in this state. When going in and out of this state, babies awaken and either fall right back to sleep through self soothing or cry out for you to put them back to sleep as you did at the beginning of the night.

Since your child's infancy, if you are like most parents, you have struggled with the "right" method to put your child to sleep and keep them asleep. The most common two methods are Dr. Sears "Attachment Parenting" and Dr. Ferbers "Ferber Method" often known as the "Cry It Out" method. These doctors are well known and are easy to find information on. Going to your local library or simply Googling them will bring tons of information at your feet. Dr. Sears believes that babies cries should always be responded to immediately and that co-sleeping and breast feeding on demand is the best thing for your child. The Ferber method teaches that children are to be taught by 6 months of age to self soothe themselves to sleep by crying it out. There are many debates about both of these methods.

It is argued that the attachment method keeps children from learning to sleep on their own, causing them to cry for you or need the breast to fall back to sleep when they are going through lighter sleep cycles. This can be extremely exhausting and almost always leads to co-sleeping since your baby will depend on you to fall back to sleep during the numerous times he awakens in the night. On the other hand, the Ferber method can lead to your child lacking trust in you if his cries are not responded to. The child simply learns that when put in their crib it is time to sleep, no exceptions.

I am not going to tell you which method is best. You are the only one to determine how your child sleeps best. If rocking him to sleep and laying him in his crib every night is what keeps him asleep longest, then that's what you should do. If letting him cry for a few minutes actually teaches him to self soothe and stay asleep through all his sleep cycles, then that is what's best for that child. What I am getting at is that consistency is the key. Whatever you and your baby are comfortable with is what needs to happen every night. Without consistency your child will wake much more frequently during the night and during naps for your comfort. However you choose to do your bedtime routine, keep it familiar, expected, and consistent.

Does this all sound too easy? The truth is that nothing I have told you is ground breaking news, it's just difficult for parents to take the time to develop consistent routines and say no when your child thinks he can escape it. Let's go over it all again. No television or over-stimulating activities after a healthy dinner. Use the time after dinner to relax, bathe, read, maybe color, and wind down. Be consistent with your routine, giving exceptions to your child will be a downward spiral of arguing with your child every night about what happens next and how to extend bedtime. Put your child to bed early enough for him to get at least 10 to 12 hours of sleep, otherwise they will become overtired and sleep will become hours of excuses, tears, and unnecessary battles. Following these simple guidelines will help your child feel comforted and secure with bedtime. Good luck, and maybe my next post will be battling nap times!

The Importance of Sleep

I'm going to break up the importance of sleep for both children and adults into two parts over the next week. This first part will provide some valuable information on how important it is to make sure your child is obtaining enough quality sleep, as well as the symptoms of sleep deprivation or sleep disorders. The second part will address ways to enforce good sleeping habits.

Let's begin with making sure your child gets enough sleep according to how old they are. Now I am sure that this isn't the first time you have wondered if your child has been getting enough sleep. Chances are you have read many charts that tell you how many hours they should be sleeping. The truth is, none of these charts give a magic number of hours that you must leave them in their crib or room. The amount of sleep needed is determined by the way they react to life upon awakening. Which brings us to the symptoms of sleep deprivation or lack of sufficient sleep.

As adults, when we haven't been getting enough sleep or haven't gone through all five sleep cycles uninterrupted then we start to feel exhausted or fatigued throughout the day. If you don't sleep long enough to enter REM (rapid eye movement) cycle you will have problems concentrating and with short term memory, often becoming irritated with difficulty managing emotions. On average we need about seven to eight hours to feel fully rested. Everyone has their own individual needs, suggested amounts are based on what an average person needs determined by their behavior and performance.

Children respond similarly to lack of sleep expect for one thing. They often become hyperactive when they haven't had enough sleep. According to the American Psychological Association it isn't uncommon for sleep deprivation to develop into ADD or ADHD. Without uninterrupted sleep, they haven't entered REM enough times to replenish and strengthen the neurons that are still working constantly at their age to grow new nerve cells. This makes it difficult for a sleep deprived brain to concentrate or control itself. When a child isn't getting proper sleep due to many different things, they awake without the ability to manage their emotions. Which is why they cry and whine over things we see as silly things to be upset about. Children are already trying so hard to understand the world around them, the proper amount of sleep makes this process more pleasant with a rested mind and body.

So, how do you know if your child is really getting enough sleep? After all, isn't it normal for a child to scream and cry every time a toy is taken away or is asked to do something they don't feel like doing? My theory is if your child wakes up pleasant, smiling, and ready to play then they slept well. For infants this is nearly impossible to tell, because you don't know if their crankiness is from an upset stomach, hunger, pain, or another discomfort. Which is why there are charts! From birth to six months the average is fifteen to eighteen hours in a twenty four hour day. Six months to nine months the hours dwindle to about fourteen and a quarter, then to about thirteen and three quarters around a year old. From one to two years it goes to thirteen hours. These are all within twenty four hours, including naps. Usually they will sleep ten to twelve hours a night and nap two to three hours during the day. This only happens if they are put to bed early though. We will discuss that more in the next post! Once they go to school, they need at least eleven hours. By the time they are eighteen, they only need as much as we do, about eight.

If your child is described by any of the above symptoms, such as hyperactivity, difficulty falling asleep at night, frequently waking at night, having nightmares or terrors, having difficulty concentrating or focusing during the day, or poorly managing their emotions, then they are most likely not getting sufficient sleep. There are of course other things that contribute to poor sleep, but that's for the next post! Now that you know what you are dealing with and that your child isn't trying to be impossible, you will be able to better respond to him knowing that it's not his fault he has trouble listening to you. Remember, your child is his own person and it's not how much sleep he gets, but how he responds to the world upon awakening!

The next post will be up soon to provide valuable ways to make sure your child is sleeping enough.

Your Child's Nutrition: Part One

There is no beating around the bush in this post! I apologize ahead of time if this just ends up making you angry. On the other hand, I am thanking you ahead of time for taking the time to read yet another opinion on health. This is an extremely controversial topic these days, the foods we allow our children to consume.

I'm going to divide this into two parts; the first being important information you need to be aware of, and second part will give some guidelines and helpful tips on what you can do about it. Allow me to begin with what exactly our children are consuming.

There are many debates going on about the pesticides, chemicals, additives, and hormones added to our foods. Are they harming us? Is it causing behavioral disorders in our children? Are they linking it to the increasing rates of autism, ADD, ADHD, bipolar, and other learning disabilities? Are our food industries concerned of nothing but their profit? The truth is that I can not answer these questions. The budget America has to research such disorders and diseases is being put towards the drugs being used to treat the disorders, such as Ritalin, rather than researching what is being put into the foods we are consuming.

One thing I am certain of, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States, 2007, is that we consume more than 52 gallons of soft drinks and up to 200 lbs of sugar per year! This is an average of course, their are people who consume less which means their are others who consume more than that. The average teen alone consumes about a liter of pop a day, that's anywhere between 200 and 300 grams of sugar! We criticize and judge them for their emotional lows and highs that cause them to make irrational decisions. They have little control of the way they feel when their blood sugar levels are off the charts.

What does this mean to us? To many parents it's just sugar, so what? To be quite honest I don't need a pediatrician or scientist to tell me that there is no evidence to prove that the increase in sugar has no definite link to the growing numbers of people with depression, autism, ADD, anger issues, bipolar, schizophrenia, phobias, and social fears. I see it everywhere and the growing numbers are epidemic! Statisticians didn't even start tracking autism until 1991 and the numbers skyrocketed from 4,000 to 67,000 in just seven years. It is now estimated that every 1 in 150 children suffer from it. This is according to the US Department of Education.

We could say that the diagnostic formulas and procedures have changed making it seem that more children had it and never were diagnosed until recently, or we could take a step back in time and think about what we used to feed our bodies; farm raised meat, fish fresh from the rivers and oceans, fruits and vegetables grown without chemicals and pesticides, milk from cows that grazed the fields, without hormones added. Once upon a time it was rare or even unheard of to struggle daily with depression, concentration, headaches, and a number of other things people suffer from on a regular basis. Our brains were provided with the proper vitamins, minerals, amino acids, omega 3 and 6 fatty acids. There were no televisions for us to lose ourselves in either, we had to breath fresh air everyday and be exposed to the sun in order to gather our food which exposed us to even more vitamins. Our babies lived off of only mothers milk which even today offers more than any infant formula can. We will not be diving into the breast feeding versus Formula today though or the controversy over television, another time. I am targeting things that have changed in regards to our health over the years.

I have witnessed first hand, as have many parents, teachers, and caregivers, the effects that an unbalanced diet has on children and their ability to cope with their emotions and thoughts. I have taken care of many many children over the years and have personally witnessed the effects of their eating habits. I have had little to no control over most of it with only being a babysitter for so many years. Naturally I was mostly just an observer, until I started researching the effects that all the packaged food was having on them. I began asking the parents what their children's average diet was when I wasn't around. On average (aside from the few families I've worked for who fed their children strictly organic), a child eats some sort of sugary cereal for breakfast, usually Fruit Loops, Cocoa Puffs, or Lucky Charms, all having at least 12 grams of sugar (^^per serving?). Lunch is usually peanut butter and jelly, cookies, chips, and fruit snacks. Dinner is more often than not a fast food or prepackaged meal consisting of pizza or hot dogs. Where are the fruits and veggies? How has it come to this and why isn't the food industry or the FDA doing something? They have no reason to care when they are pulling in as much money as they are. That leaves it up to us, the ones in control of what are children are consuming.

I've recently read a book called The Crazy Makers: How the Food Industry is Destroying Our Brains and Harming Our Children. This has been the most knowledgeable and resourceful book I've ever read of the effects that todays food is having on our people. It's written by Carol Simontacchi, a board-certified clinical nutritionist and a professional member of the International and American Associations of Clinical Nutritionists. She provides statistics on where our world has come in the past century regarding nutrition and it's effects on our nation. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to further explore what it is we are being fed. This book has helped me to understand why I have seen such an attitude difference in the children being fed an American diet as opposed to an all natural or organic one.

Let me give you a specific example of one way I have witnessed the affects of nutrition and concentration. Keep in mind that there are many things that contribute to a child's attention span and frame of mind, I am merely presenting one of them. While teaching two four year olds to learn to read there was a very big difference in each of their attention spans. One was able to pay attention to the sounds of the letters and follow my voice and finger as I moved along each letter and word. We could go at this for half an hour before she felt the need to move onto another subject (which is rather good in today's four year old). The second child was distracted within one minute of sitting with me and looking at our books. He would start to fiddle with his pencil or stare out the window. After hearing me say his name a few times, his attention was once again redirected to the book. It would take him a few moments to remember what we were doing. After five minutes of trying to concentrate on me he grew very frustrated with it. In the meantime his friend was sitting at the other desk reading words out loud to herself, glowing with pride. The boy asked me, "Why can she read and I can't?" I replied, "Well, she's concentrating." The child replied, "What's concentrating?" I went on to explain that when she is looking at the letters she doesn't think about anything else, she isn't watching her pencil twirl around or listening to the birds outside. There is nothing wrong with paying attention to the birds or the pencil, but when a child's brain can not focus on one thing long enough to soak up all it has to offer in that time span, then he or she can never truly become professional or great in anything.

I continued to explain to the little boy that he can have better concentration skills if he chooses to eat better, more fruits, vegetables, milk that isn't chocolate, meat (he hated meat), and only choose one sweet a day. This child was fed atrociously by his parents. This was a couple years back and he is now reading much better. The other four year old always had very good eating habits, several servings of fruits and vegetables a day, organic milk and meat, no more than one sweet a day, usually consisting of a whole grain all natural cookie or organic ice cream low in sugar.

I understand that it is impossible to keep all sugar away from your child, lets be realistic. Unless you live on an Amish farm miles away from society than you will not be able to keep your child from being exposed to aisles in the the grocery store where his or her favorite Disney character is on a colorful box of cereal or Pop Tarts. Or where birthday parties and holiday celebrations offer a variety of desserts and chemical infested entrees. It is, however, possible to teach your children the importance of making healthy choices in everyday life. I can offer a few suggestions and ideas that have worked GREAT for me. These will be coming up in my next post in just a couple days!

Communicating Positively To Avoid Negative Thinking

How many times has your child continued to do or say something after you have repeatedly told him not to? Your toddler keeps playing in the fish bowl and your teenager continues to come in past curfew! It could be because they want your attention, or they may think you just don't want them to be happy. Either way, you can redirect their thoughts, feelings, and actions through positive communication.

Positive communication involves giving your child your full attention. It's time consuming but worth every second. A child's mind is often overwhelmed by the fast pace of an adults life. We talk fast, move fast, and live fast. It's true that in the first three years of a humans life the brain grows and develops more than it ever will. So getting down to their level and taking the time to help them organize some confusing thoughts and emotions can drastically affect the way they see and react to the world. For example, you may have or know of a child who people describe as "out of control". He often expresses himself through temper tantrums or screaming out of frustration. People may try to calm him down by saying calmly "It's all right" or "lets just talk about this". More often than not, he is told to "Be quiet!", "Relax!", "Sit down!", "Get ahold of yourself!". Very rarely is the child listened to and spoken to in a manner than helps him sort out his feelings and thoughts. Reason being, adults either don't have the time or simply do not put themselves in the child's shoes and realize that it can be very frustrating for a young mind to keep up with our fast paced society. So how do we speak positively and help a child avoid the negative thoughts and emotions such as frustration, confusion, anger, and stress?

The way we use our words obviously differs with the ages of the listeners. For very young children who understand little of our language, it is extremely frustrating to communicate what they are feeling to us. The "terrible two's" are exactly that! They express their emotions in the only way they know how to. When a toy is taken from a toddler, they may scream, yank it back or hit the person who took it. The first response on our parts as adults is to let the toddler/child know that we are aware of what they are feeling and that it's alright to feel the way they do. Sometimes mimicking their facial expression and giving a hug is all you need to do to communicate this understanding. When you immediately try to distract them and give a big smile in hopes of making them happy again, you have told them that what they felt isn't supposed to be trusted or communicated. Another way is to give their feeling a name. Tell them that they are angry and it's a real feeling. Don't pretend like they didn't or shouldn't feel this, it communicates to the child that what they are feeling is unreliable.

Even in very young babies (9-12 months) it's important to let them express themselves and react in a way that they see and feel you understand what they are trying to tell you. For example, you need to change your babies diaper, and in order to do this you will have to interrupt your babies activity. So, you pick him up and lay him on his back. He starts kicking and crying, and starts to roll over and crawl away. Naturally we try to be happy, smile, sing a song, continue to put him on his back and hope he is distracted by our happiness and will want to be apart of it. Some other reactions are not so kind, such as yelling and holding him down against his will in anger; showing him that anger is responded to with anger. Both of these ways can work, however, neither acknowledge your babies feelings. I have found that talking him through each step calmly and firmly keeping him on his back helps-only if you acknowledge his anger. I do this by making a sad face and saying in a sympathetic tone, "I know you don't like this, you would rather be playing. Don't worry, I am almost done, then you can play again". Even though he may not understand my words, my facial expression and tone communicated to him that I know how he's feeling. This is reassuring to him, and usually half way through the process he is staring at me, at which point I use his attention as an opportunity to make him happy again, usually by tickling or singing. As long as he feels heard, he doesn't feel the need to continue expressing his emotions.

Well, what about when your child does understand your words and still doesn't listen to you? Here's one way you can use words positively to help them listen to you. Let's use a very simple example. When your little one hears you continually reminding him to keep his hands out of the fishbowl, all he's really hearing is "hands in fishbowl". So naturally his hands sink right back into the cool water where he finds the feel of a squirmy fish very funny! Try "Let's go play with puzzles and leave the fish alone". His ears hear "play puzzles and fish alone". What a child's mind concentrates on is what they hear. It's not a distraction necessarily if they still know what they weren't suppose to be playing with is still there. I think it's important that they still know that the things they shouldn't do still exist. The words "no" and "don't" are rarely heard by children. Rather, the topic and tone is what they pick up. I'm in my twenties and I still mostly hear the topic and tone!

For an older child, the problem may be that he's always hungry, never tired, and always hot. Your response may be, "You aren't hungry, you just ate an hour ago!", or "Yes you are tired, you didn't take a nap today", or "You can't be hot, it's freezing in here!". All of these responses are telling the child that what he feels is not to be trusted, it begins to drive him crazy and react in an unhealthy way. Alternatives to the previous responses could be, "You are hungry again? You must be growing! Well, dinner is in one hour, how about you have a small snack now so you will still be hungry for dinner?", or "It's alright if you don't feel tired yet, let's just relax in bed with some books anyways.", or "I feel cold, but if you are hot you can take of your jacket until you feel cold again.". Acknowledging your child's feelings are one of the most effective and positive ways of communicating with your child. Sometimes you don't need to use many words at all. For older children, they often don't want or need you to say anything when they are expressing themselves angrily. Just to have you give them your attention and respond with sounds like "Hmmm, I see", they can simply get their feelings together and work it out themselves just through talking about it and feeling understood as opposed to being blamed, questioned, or lectured.

So why is it that we automatically want to tell our children that what they are feeling isn't true or it's wrong? At what point in our past did we accept the belief that we shouldn't acknowledge our own negative emotions? Well, think about it. When you feel stressed, angry, worried, disappointed, or lonely what do you do? If you are like I was then you try to cover it up with a distraction - television, food, and so on. Then I discovered that in doing this I was only lying to myself and cheating myself out of true feelings of happiness and peace. In addressing my negative and hurtful emotions I was able to set them free, in a sense, as opposed to holding them inside. I do this by first giving my emotion a name. This small act causes me to understand and accept what I'm feeling, in doing so I have released it. It sounds too simple doesn't it? Well, to a child, it is that simple.

Children of all ages are doing, saying, and acting on what they are told not to. Many factors contribute to their decisions and behaviors, but simply rephrasing the conversation and using a tone that makes them feel they can make a better choice has been proven to dramatically change the way they think. I've been using this technique for the past 10 years and it fails me only when I am the only adult in the child's life who speaks to them this way. If we all make the effort to speak to growing minds in a way that causes them to hear and feel the positive, then already we are changing the future of this nation. With a generation of people who believe and trust in themselves, this world will be full of confidence!

To those who would like to learn more about effective ways of communicating with your children, I would suggest Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's book "How to talk so your kids will listen, and how to listen so your kids will talk". I've learned some great techniques from them and have been using them daily.

Welcome!

If you are a parent, teacher, social worker, nanny, day care worker, or simply a person who cares about the future of our nation and the people who will take over when we are gone, then this is the place for you.

I am in the process of writing a book about raising this generation in our fast paced society and could use all the feedback I can get from people like you who know what it's like to take care of today's children. This blog is to benefit you and me. We will be discussing things like nutrition, Breast-feeding vs Formula fed, stay at home vs working mothers, effective communication with children, and dealing with behavioral issues.

Just as a reminder, if you haven't read my profile, I am not licensed to be giving any professional observation. I hold the opinions that I do from my experience and through research.

I hope you find this blog helpful and/or informational. It is my sincere hope that we will all benefit from sharing our knowledge with each other.