Choosing the Right Caregiver

Choosing a person and place to care for your child when you are at work is one of the most difficult decisions to make as a parent. There are so many things to ask yourself and your caregiver before making the decision. The biggest question of all the questions you will ask is ‘Can this person love your child as their own?’ I believe this is the key ingredient to finding the right person. This applies to nannies, daycares, and Montessori care.

There are many other questions to ask regarding hours, pay, experience, references, education, etc. The answers to these questions can be good, but still not enough to make you feel comfortable if the answer to the biggest question is no. How do you know if someone is capable of loving your child as much as you do? Is it even possible? I can’t tell you if anyone else could possibly love your child as much as you do. A mother’s love is unlike anything else in the world, that’s no secret! I can tell you that there are people who have the ability to love someone else’s child unconditionally and with a passion. There are people who will treat your child with respect and be understanding of their struggles and frustrations. Finding someone who truly desires to aid in the healthy growth of your child and love them unconditionally is not easy.

How do we find these people? How do we know they will be compassionate and kind? Without cameras to record and report how your child’s day goes, it would seem there is no way to know. My best advice would be to spend as much time as possible with the person who will be caring for your child. Find out what their passions are, what their goals are, how they handle difficult situations, how they react to difficult children, and ask any other questions that would reveal their true nature and personality.

Feeling comfortable with your decision to work while your child is in someone else’s care is crucial to being a happy parent. Children sense when we are anxious or frustrated, especially if it involves people they are with a lot. So don’t be afraid to try people out before committing. Be picky, dig deep, you have the right. Think about how much research we do before buying a house or car. Isn’t childcare far more important? After choosing your caregiver, stay close. Keep in regular touch with her and remain updated with how your child and your caregiver are doing.

Being a working mom is becoming the norm and with that comes a huge demand for childcare. This of course brings people into the field who don’t necessarily want to be a full time childcare provider. Many children are put into these people’s hands. Chances are that these children will be relatively safe and given social interaction with other kids, but that might be all they get. I often wonder what the future of this generation will look like because of this.

Your child wants and will thrive best with a full time mother figure. Finding someone who can best replace you while you are away is the most ideal situation for your young child. Find someone who will cuddle, hold, and give affection to your child whenever needed, someone who will respond to your child’s needs in a positive way. Leave your child with someone who can answer ‘yes’ to the big question, “Can you love my child as your own?’

My Little Eden

I am only weeks away from one of the most bittersweet changes in my life. I am almost ready to start accepting infants and toddlers into my home daycare where I will be offering very personal and unique care. The bitter end of this change is that I will have to leave the beautiful little girl I have been taking care of since she was only six weeks old. She has a very special place in my heart and nothing about this transition will be easy. Thankfully, I am very close to her parents and they love her more than anything, so I certainly don't have to be worried about her. Regardless, my heart hurts just thinking about it.

On a brighter note, I am thrilled to finally be achieving one of my greatest goals! Years ago, when I thought that having my own children would be the only way to fill the gaping hole in my life, I came to discover that children of my own may not be physically possible. With this realization I learned how to love a child as my own. I began to experience deeper connections with the children I cared for, which made for incredibly rewarding relationships. I learned how to understand the language of an infant; but most of all I learned how important it is to listen to and respect children, of ALL ages. A seed was planted.

With these discoveries, I began to experiment and search for ways of helping children find their place in this world. For infants I use infant massage and gentle yoga moves to help them become strong and feel more connected and secure. Baby sign language is also an amazing way to reduce the frustration that little ones experience through their language barriers! I can't wait to continue seeing all the benefits that this produces in the children I will have in my daycare. For toddlers, I found ways to help them express their emotions in healthy ways as opposed to screaming and hitting. My discoveries continued to unfold over the years as I came to know and love more and more children.

This daycare was founded upon the idea of what I would want for my own children. I think about what I would look for in a caregiver and what I would want my child to experience while I was away. I would hope that the caregiver would love my child unconditionally, respect him, respond to his cries and coos, provide him with the best nutrition available, sing to him, take him for walks, and keep me completely informed of everything he goes through on a daily basis. To some parents this all seems impossible to find! Not anymore.

My Little Eden is a home away from home where children can feel at home and grow in a peaceful environment full of love, security, and happiness. To top off its benefits, I am making all the baby food from organic products and serving only organic foods to toddlers as well. This is what I would want for my child, so this is what I will give.

Wish me luck as I begin my search for children!

A Reliable and Untrustworthy Sitter

We’ve all done it a time or two, put our child in front of the television so we could get something done without a little one running between our legs or asking continuous questions while we are on the phone. It can be a reliable babysitter when you are about to pull your hair out. Reliable indeed, just one click away, but is it as trustworthy?

Have I done it? Have I stuck two toddlers in front of Noggin’s “Preschool on TV” so that I can feed the babies a bottle and some cereal? Sure have. Why? Turns out that I only have two legs that can fit approximately two and a half children on them if I’m feeling particularly flexible. A few years back my life was a whirlwind blur of managing a 2 month old, 5 month old, and two 2 year olds. How I managed to have them all on a routine that they came to rely upon is beyond me. I like to believe that I grew extra arms during that time of my life! Truth is, it was the happiest time of my life. Nothing was more rewarding than having those beautiful moments throughout the day when I could play a game with the toddlers while one baby was on my hip and the other in a jump-n-go, all happy and laughing. Still, I am human, and we caregivers can take advantage of anything that supplies us with a few extra minutes of peace.

Television is one of these peace-givers. I knew little about the effects that it had on children, especially under the age of three. All I knew is that it seemed harmless if it was educational and for short periods of time. When the children started begging for one more show after every show and being completely mesmerized by the commercials, I began to wonder what was really going through their minds when they were entranced by the television. The research I found was astonishing and scary at the same time. I’m sure you have heard it before, the warnings that link television to ADD and learning problems in school, it makes sense.

Think about it. Each show plays for up to 20 minutes and then commercials take over. Usually the commercials move at a pace that is even difficult for me to keep up with. A developing child’s mind is taking in an enormous amount of information at a ridiculously rapid pace when staring at the screen. The colors, sounds, language, and ideas come at them without so much as a two second pause. Let’s be honest with ourselves, it is a rare parent or caregiver indeed who actually sits with their toddler the whole time the TV is on in the hopes that if they explain to their child what they are viewing, then their minds can better process it. If this is the path you choose, then the Television is hardly a break for you, if anything it is just more work.

So, how do we get a break? Do we give into the babysitter that causes possible learning and social disorders? Here is my opinion on the matter now that I understand how important a child’s first three years of life are. Yes, the first three years are incredibly demanding and will drain you completely, but what a child’s mind is exposed to is crucial when they understand so little about life. If you need 30 minutes to get ready in the morning, why not put your little one in a pack n’ play with some books and puzzles? I think children that depend completely on people or electronics to provide them with constant entertainment and interaction are at risk of becoming intolerable people. Sounds harsh, but I have witnessed many children become exactly that, intolerable.

My generation built forts, read books, played make-believe in many different ways, and entertained themselves for hours on end with simple art supplies. A child who says they are bored probably didn’t learn at a young age how to think on their own. I am sure a lot of children still do all the fun and imaginative things I listed above, but how much of their day and mind is filled with time spent in front of something that they can’t touch or interact with? I am not going to pretend like it is easy to encourage children to find ways to entertain themselves; especially when they know that something or someone else can do it for them. But I am going to make the statement that it is necessary to start putting more trust in a pack n’ play for your baby or toddler than in the television.

Honestly, I am not going to tell a parent that they are being a bad parent because they let their small child watch TV. I don’t care if it is 30 minutes or 3 hours. I don’t care if it has commercials or not. I don’t care if it’s somehow teaching your child something. It is their child and therefore their responsibility. I don’t know what it’s like to be them, therefore I will not judge them. However, as a nanny, I cannot allow a child’s time to be spent in front of the television when I have nothing better to do except provide the children in my care with the best possible learning experiences based off of what current research and years of experience has taught me. Perhaps ignorance is bliss, but so are happy, intelligent, well-mannered children!

Just think about it.

Discipline and Punishment

Disciplining a child and choosing the right form of punishment can be an easy or difficultdecision to make depending on your level of anger management. Why does this depend upon the caregiver or parent’s anger management skills? Well, have you ever hit your child? How did it make you feel? Were you in the calmest of states, happily bringing pain to your child? I think not.

The better you are at controlling your anger, the better you will be at disciplining your child. After all, one of the most important skills we need to teach our children is how to manage emotions and respond to frustrating situations with an appropriate attitude.

Let’s create an example; perhaps your toddler or preschooler bites another child that made him/her angry. Your initial emotions are embarrassment and anger that your child would do something that he/she knows is wrong. How should you handle it? A parent that believes spanking is effective will take their child to a private area (I hope) and punish them physically in hopes that the pain will scare them into submission and cause them to apologize. A parent who believes a child learns through the example set before them and uses a stern tone to make it very clear to the child that their behavior was unacceptable, will privately or publicly (depending on the nature of the child’s personality and how they best receive discipline) look their child in the eye and let them know how they feel about what happened and guide them to express themselves in a healthier way.

The most important thing to remember is that children learn by example. If they see adults or other children for that matter, respond to anger, frustration, or disappointment with yelling and physically causing pain on the person who they choose to lash out on, then the child will react to his/her emotions in the same fashion. Why? Because growing hearts and minds need guidance and patience as they become accustomed to all the emotions that arise throughout life.

It is overwhelming for a child to experience unpleasant emotions without an “out”. Most of the time the only response they feel can relieve some of the distress is to physically hit or bite something. Sometimes this can even include hurting themselves. Our job as the role models and caretakers are to show them healthier ways to release these distressful emotions.

We guide our children’s emotional responses in a healthy way by disciplining how they express themselves, never for expressing themselves. Let them know it’s all right to be angry when another child hurts their feelings or when they really don’t want to finish their dinner. We all have our own methods for dealing with our emotions; children do as well. Help your child find theirs. One thing that has been successful in my experiences is simply sitting with or holding the child until they calm down and then talking about it, this only works for older children though and they must understand that there are consequences for expressing themselves inappropriately, usually this entails time alone or losing something they love for a short period of time. For younger children, or toddlers, they need constant supervision for the most part and this makes it easier to guide them and react immediately, such as short timeouts. Take note that toddlers forget things quickly and need immediate intervention when they are frustrated. Also, it isn’t unusual for a child to cry even more when the discipline is enforced. Once again, do not make them feel bad for crying.

Just remember that when your child is “misbehaving” it’s because they need your guidance. Stay calm, reassure them that what they are feeling is normal, explain or show them the consequences of their actions (without inflicting pain), and explain or show them how they are to react to their emotions from now on. You will be raising an emotionally intelligent individual!

Breastfeeding vs. Formula

I apologize to any followers who have been waiting for this next post. I have been in a constant debate over how to properly address the issue of breastfeeding versus formula feeding. After speaking with many different mothers, reading many books, observing parent's reactions to the subject, and taking care of both breastfed and formula fed infants, I can now come to a more balanced perspective and hold a stronger opinion.

I want to begin by making it clear that I do not wish to upset any parent who has made the choice to feed their baby formula. Formula obviously has what it takes to keep an infant alive, growing, and developing. Scientists and health care professionals have been doing everything in their power to recreate breast milk to the very best of their ability. I do not doubt this. Unfortunately, everything that I have read and observed about breast milk and the effects it has on mother and child is absolutely incomparable to formula. Is this to say that a mother should feel horrible about her decision not to nurse? Well, I can not tell you what to feel. If you feel that you have made the wrong decision, then you probably have.

Click here to access the link that I have found to be the most convincing information regarding the benefits of breastfeeding. Rather than repeat everything the article stated, I would rather you read it for yourself. It's a short article, but full of great facts and statistics! One thing interesting about it is that it was difficult to find. It seems that everywhere I look; parenting magazines, the library, parenting websites, and Google, the most popular information to offer is support for mothers to let go of their "guilt" regarding their decision to use formula. I had to dig deep to find the actual differences between the two forms of milk. Why is this? Why is guilt addressed more frequently than benefits? Most importantly, why not offer alternatives? How about offering websites, articles, and books on how to overcome the early stages of breastfeeding? After all, cracked and infected nipples, sore breasts, endless feeding and pumping, and feeling constantly needed can get pretty old pretty fast. Instead I have found one article after another assuring woman that if they find it too difficult to breastfeed, then they should feel absolutely no guilt in feeding their baby formula.

From what I have gathered, some mothers can't produce milk and others are put on medications that can't be transferred to an infant through the milk. These are obviously unfortunate circumstances that can not be changed by the mother and have no reason to cause guilt, only dissapointment. Personally, if I had to make the decision between formula and a milk bank, a milk bank it would be. I need to know that my children will receive absolutely everything needed to be at their best. I understand that my children will still grow and develop if I feed them formula, but will they struggle with ear infections, allergies, upset stomachs, and a numerous amount of other things that manifest without proper nourishment? Personally, if I have the choice, then my answer is that I am not willing to find out; Are you?

I would find all of your opinions and ideas very helpful as I am still struggling to completely understand why any mother can make the choice not to give her child her best, even if it means pumping every three hours or seeking professional help from a nurse. Perhaps I have missed something crucial in what I have read and observed. Maybe this is the first time you have read the information in the article I posted above. It could be that you were mentally incapable of providing your child with breast milk. Whatever the reason is, I truly do want to understand why the children of this nation are being raised and developed on a food that is lacking. I can only hope it is ignorance and not selfishness. I can give you knowledge, but selfishness is something only you can conquer.

Please keep in mind that this blog is about raising the next generation to be the very best this world has seen. I can not do it alone. I need to understand the hearts and minds of the mothers of this world if I am going to make a difference. Please share any concerns, ideas, or beliefs you hold that can open my eyes to a more balanced view.

Establishing Healthy Sleep Patterns

We've talked about the importance of sleep and the effects of sleep deprivation. I would now like to help you make sure your child sleeps enough as soundly as possible for as long as he or she needs. This may sound impossible in todays day and age as children become more over-stimulated as time goes on, but with a few helpful guidelines I hope to set you on a new path of a happier, more rested child and a less fatigued and frustrated you.

I will begin with the possibility that your child is being over-stimulated. As I mentioned above our world has become extremely over-stimulating for our young ones. There are several things that contribute to this. Toys, television, and other sources of entertainment for children have become much more stimulating over the years with lots of sounds, colors, and interactive features. For infants it could be that they are put into a bouncy seat that vibrates, plays music, and bounces all at the same time! For toddlers it might be their favorite toy that lights up, sings songs, changes colors and asks too many questions. For preschool kids it's probably all the commercials they are exposed to every ten minutes during their show.

I am not to say that any of the above reasons are bad or wrong, they are simply ways that our children have become over-stimulated making it more difficult to wind down at the end of the day. For an adult, sitting down on the couch after a long day at work is often very relaxing and sometimes puts us to sleep, it can have the opposite effect on children though. Their minds are searching desperately to store all of the information they pick up in a given moment. Our minds are use to it and just become tired. A child's brain watches television that is constantly moving with colors and pictures that change in milliseconds, and on top of the visual stimulation they also hear voices that change just as quickly from one character to the next. This is all a lot to take in for a young child. I am speaking specifically for infants and toddlers whose brains are still being built. Is it possible that he isn't settling down at a decent hour because his mind is going a million miles an hour? Is he playing in a room full of interactive toys right before bedtime, possibly even a specific computerized toy that really gets his brain going. Once again, exhausting for an adult, exciting for a child. It's important to remember that it has the opposite effect on kids to be surrounded by too much going on as opposed to us adults.

My suggestion is that after dinner, it is time to relax and not burn off energy. This is based off of my personal experience and observation, that children fall asleep much quicker after reading books, talking about their day, and/or doing something like coloring. For infants it may be that a soothing massage after a bath helps transition them into a calmer state where sleep is easily drifted into. Also, this is more quality time with you. If the majority of the evening is spent with quality time together then it is less likely that they will want to fight bedtime when it arrives.

If you have ruled out the possibility that over-stimulation is why your child has difficulty with bedtime then it is time to explore the option that he is being put to bed too late, or even that the bedtime routine should start earlier. I always suggest that the bedtime routine starts immediately after dinner. Your child (if old enough) could help you clean up the dishes and that way you can help them start bedtime right away. If baths are too stimulating for them, then plan a different part of the day for it, but if you find it helps relax your child then go ahead and start with that. Even older children like to get massages after a bath, so if they enjoy it then that may be exactly what they need to help put them in the state of relaxation before bedtime. Try using a lotion with calming scents.

Following a bath and massage if you choose to do so, can be reading time, it may even put you to sleep! This is a great ritual that your child probably looks forward to all day. It may even be the only time your child gets one on one attention and quality time from you if you are a working parent. Many parents find that letting their child watch a night time show specifically designed for children to watch before bed is helpful. I will not argue against it, but is that how you want your child to spend his time before bed? I am fully convinced that both you and your child will benefit more from cuddling together with books before bed as they listen to your voice and are allowed to ask questions and possibly interact with it. Not that the TV shows for kids can't be interactive, but nothing replaces quality time with you. TV is just an easy way out when you are too exhausted. I truly hope that after reading this post you and your child will get more quality sleep and you wont be so exhausted that you need to use TV to distract your child for you.

After reading, getting pajamas on and brushing teeth, your child should be ready to drift. Depending on how you have always put your child to sleep depends on how your child will fall asleep at this point. If your child was taught to self soothe as an infant, then you should be able to leave them in their bed now and not hear from them until morning, right? If you have always rocked or nursed them to sleep then this is likely what happens now. Which brings us to the argument of self soothing versus parental soothing or dependence. Either way you choose to put your child to sleep, you shouldn't hear from them again until morning. This is often not the case though. It is completely natural for children to wake during the night, as they spend 50% of their cycles in REM where their brains are developing as they sleep. Adults only spend 20% in this state. When going in and out of this state, babies awaken and either fall right back to sleep through self soothing or cry out for you to put them back to sleep as you did at the beginning of the night.

Since your child's infancy, if you are like most parents, you have struggled with the "right" method to put your child to sleep and keep them asleep. The most common two methods are Dr. Sears "Attachment Parenting" and Dr. Ferbers "Ferber Method" often known as the "Cry It Out" method. These doctors are well known and are easy to find information on. Going to your local library or simply Googling them will bring tons of information at your feet. Dr. Sears believes that babies cries should always be responded to immediately and that co-sleeping and breast feeding on demand is the best thing for your child. The Ferber method teaches that children are to be taught by 6 months of age to self soothe themselves to sleep by crying it out. There are many debates about both of these methods.

It is argued that the attachment method keeps children from learning to sleep on their own, causing them to cry for you or need the breast to fall back to sleep when they are going through lighter sleep cycles. This can be extremely exhausting and almost always leads to co-sleeping since your baby will depend on you to fall back to sleep during the numerous times he awakens in the night. On the other hand, the Ferber method can lead to your child lacking trust in you if his cries are not responded to. The child simply learns that when put in their crib it is time to sleep, no exceptions.

I am not going to tell you which method is best. You are the only one to determine how your child sleeps best. If rocking him to sleep and laying him in his crib every night is what keeps him asleep longest, then that's what you should do. If letting him cry for a few minutes actually teaches him to self soothe and stay asleep through all his sleep cycles, then that is what's best for that child. What I am getting at is that consistency is the key. Whatever you and your baby are comfortable with is what needs to happen every night. Without consistency your child will wake much more frequently during the night and during naps for your comfort. However you choose to do your bedtime routine, keep it familiar, expected, and consistent.

Does this all sound too easy? The truth is that nothing I have told you is ground breaking news, it's just difficult for parents to take the time to develop consistent routines and say no when your child thinks he can escape it. Let's go over it all again. No television or over-stimulating activities after a healthy dinner. Use the time after dinner to relax, bathe, read, maybe color, and wind down. Be consistent with your routine, giving exceptions to your child will be a downward spiral of arguing with your child every night about what happens next and how to extend bedtime. Put your child to bed early enough for him to get at least 10 to 12 hours of sleep, otherwise they will become overtired and sleep will become hours of excuses, tears, and unnecessary battles. Following these simple guidelines will help your child feel comforted and secure with bedtime. Good luck, and maybe my next post will be battling nap times!

The Importance of Sleep

I'm going to break up the importance of sleep for both children and adults into two parts over the next week. This first part will provide some valuable information on how important it is to make sure your child is obtaining enough quality sleep, as well as the symptoms of sleep deprivation or sleep disorders. The second part will address ways to enforce good sleeping habits.

Let's begin with making sure your child gets enough sleep according to how old they are. Now I am sure that this isn't the first time you have wondered if your child has been getting enough sleep. Chances are you have read many charts that tell you how many hours they should be sleeping. The truth is, none of these charts give a magic number of hours that you must leave them in their crib or room. The amount of sleep needed is determined by the way they react to life upon awakening. Which brings us to the symptoms of sleep deprivation or lack of sufficient sleep.

As adults, when we haven't been getting enough sleep or haven't gone through all five sleep cycles uninterrupted then we start to feel exhausted or fatigued throughout the day. If you don't sleep long enough to enter REM (rapid eye movement) cycle you will have problems concentrating and with short term memory, often becoming irritated with difficulty managing emotions. On average we need about seven to eight hours to feel fully rested. Everyone has their own individual needs, suggested amounts are based on what an average person needs determined by their behavior and performance.

Children respond similarly to lack of sleep expect for one thing. They often become hyperactive when they haven't had enough sleep. According to the American Psychological Association it isn't uncommon for sleep deprivation to develop into ADD or ADHD. Without uninterrupted sleep, they haven't entered REM enough times to replenish and strengthen the neurons that are still working constantly at their age to grow new nerve cells. This makes it difficult for a sleep deprived brain to concentrate or control itself. When a child isn't getting proper sleep due to many different things, they awake without the ability to manage their emotions. Which is why they cry and whine over things we see as silly things to be upset about. Children are already trying so hard to understand the world around them, the proper amount of sleep makes this process more pleasant with a rested mind and body.

So, how do you know if your child is really getting enough sleep? After all, isn't it normal for a child to scream and cry every time a toy is taken away or is asked to do something they don't feel like doing? My theory is if your child wakes up pleasant, smiling, and ready to play then they slept well. For infants this is nearly impossible to tell, because you don't know if their crankiness is from an upset stomach, hunger, pain, or another discomfort. Which is why there are charts! From birth to six months the average is fifteen to eighteen hours in a twenty four hour day. Six months to nine months the hours dwindle to about fourteen and a quarter, then to about thirteen and three quarters around a year old. From one to two years it goes to thirteen hours. These are all within twenty four hours, including naps. Usually they will sleep ten to twelve hours a night and nap two to three hours during the day. This only happens if they are put to bed early though. We will discuss that more in the next post! Once they go to school, they need at least eleven hours. By the time they are eighteen, they only need as much as we do, about eight.

If your child is described by any of the above symptoms, such as hyperactivity, difficulty falling asleep at night, frequently waking at night, having nightmares or terrors, having difficulty concentrating or focusing during the day, or poorly managing their emotions, then they are most likely not getting sufficient sleep. There are of course other things that contribute to poor sleep, but that's for the next post! Now that you know what you are dealing with and that your child isn't trying to be impossible, you will be able to better respond to him knowing that it's not his fault he has trouble listening to you. Remember, your child is his own person and it's not how much sleep he gets, but how he responds to the world upon awakening!

The next post will be up soon to provide valuable ways to make sure your child is sleeping enough.